One Saturday morning,Glen decided to go fishing.

He sat there for hours,but nothing.The bottle whiskey that he've took with him,was also empty.He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.

All of a sudden,there was something on the hook.He pulled the fish out of the water.The only fish for the day so far.The fish was so small,Glen decided to throw it

back.

The little fish was so exited,to such an extend,that it decided to give Glen one wish.

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey.The fish said,"Allright then,when you're urinating,it will be pure whiskey."

So Glen sat there,and wonder,can this really be ? Glen took a glass and urinate in it.It was pure,pure whiskey.

A while later,a women,who was standing nearby,comes to him and asks,"sir are you allright ? I saw you drinking your own piss."no,said Glen,it's whiskey.

The women laughed.He urinate into the glass,and gave it to her.She could'nt believe it.

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking whiskey.

After about the seventh double,she asks Glen for a nother one.He looked her in the eye,throw the glass into pieces against the rock and said "What about drinking out

of the bottle ?"

Once-upon-a-time, there was a young woman who fell in love with a fish. This caused her parents some embarrassment when they went to church. When her father had

found out he screamed "What do you mean she's dating a fish!".

"He's not an ordinary fish dear, he's one of those anthropomorphic fish, the kind that talk and take on human characteristics"

"Does he have a job?"

"Well no, but he reads a lot, and he's very polite. He's really a very nice boy dear."

"He's an unemployed fish!"

"Whatever."

Eventually the young woman began to grow unsatisfied with the lack of sex in the relationship. She was also getting tired of him staying home all day and reading

while she worked all day. The young woman decided to go to the witch who lived in the forest, and ask her to turn her fish into a man. So she took the fish to the

witch.

"Well let's see here." the witch said, looking at the fish "Very nice fish you got here, nice coloring. I'll take it, now what do you want?" she asked the young woman.

"This fish and I have fallen in love and I want you to turn him into a man." the young woman replied.

"Is this true?" the witch asked the fish.

"Yes ma'am" smiled the fish.

"Did I do this?" the witch asked the young woman.

"No, he was always a fish"

"No, what I mean is did I make you fall in love with the fish? I have a few drinks now and then, and the next thing you know whole weeks are blacked out." the witch

said.

"I don't think so." the young woman said.

"O.k., so if I turn this fish into a man, you go home with a man, and I get to keep the fish?"

"If you turn the fish into a man, then there won't be a fish for you to keep, unless I'm missing something here." said the young woman with a quizzical look on her face.

"So we need to arrange another method of payment then?" asked the witch.

"I think so."

"Well o.k., did you bring any money dear?"

"I'm afraid I'm just a poor farm girl with no material possessions."

"I'll change the fish into a man after you have worked for me for a year."

The young woman agreed and went to work for the witch, sweeping, cooking, and sewing for the witch. Finally the year passed, and the witch turned the fish into a

tall and handsome man. And so the young woman and the tall and handsome former fish lived happily until the tall and handsome former fish left the young woman for

a barmaid with long legs and a learning disability.

Eventually the young woman found a young man who was slightly younger than her, but extremely gifted at oral sex and they settled down.

She often thought about the tall and handsome former fish and how stupid she was. She was thinking these every thoughts one day while she was fishing off the bridge.

She felt something bite the hook, and she yanked the poll up. To her surprise, the fish called out to her "Hey Baby!"

"Not another one!" she screamed.

"It's me baby. Don't you remember? We really had something special!" said the fish.

"What happened to that barmaid you left me for?" the young woman scowled.

"She left me, and when I wouldn't leave her alone, she got the witch to turn me back into fish." said the fish.

"Well come on dear let's take you to the witch and straighten this out." she said the fish. And so she took the fish to witch.

"Hello." said the witch as she answered the door.

"Do you remember me? I worked for you for a year so that you would turn this fish into a man. It seems another woman had you turn him back into a fish." the young

woman said to the witch.

"Oh yes I remember, lovely fish." the witch said.

"Well I'd like to make another deal with you."

"What would you like dear?"

"I'd like to you make my breasts bigger, and in exchange you can have the fish." the woman said to the witch.

"Baby! You can't do this to me, not after all we've meant to each other!"

"Deal." said the witch.

And so the young woman went home that evening without any fish, but her husband didn't seem to notice.

My wife got a check from a survey company for filling out a couple of surveys about consumer products, etc. Anyway, the checks are made out to "bearer" because they

don't want to give cash. Well, when my wife goes to the bank to

cash the check, her conversation with the teller goes something like this:

Teller: I can't cash this check, it's not made out to you.

Wife: I know, It's made out to the BEARER.

Teller: Right. So I can't cash it.

Wife: I AM the bearer.

Teller: Your name is Donna ***.

Irritated wife: The check is made out to the bearer, I am the bearer of the check.

Teller: Is this **to** a company.

Wife: **Sigh** NO. It is **from** a company, made out to the

**BEARER** of the check which is ME.

Teller: Let me go talk to my manager.


So the MANAGER comes over and says: Ma'am, we can't cash this check, it doesn't have your name on it. So my wife goes into extreme detail about how she got the

check, why her name wasn't on the check, and finally says:

Wife: Why don't you go find a dictionary and look up the word Bearer.

So the Manager leaves, is gone for a good 10 minutes and finally whispers to the teller to go ahead and cash the check... And they say that customer service

doesn't exist anymore. Sheesh!

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the

motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor

inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to

him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,

the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw

them in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the

damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it

between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the

bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street,

accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them

tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

I manage a simple web site for my employer (a small charity), and owing to the purchase of a domain name I emailed the details of the new URL to several website

owners who were known to have maintained links to us at our old address.

A couple weeks later I received this message:

"Dear John" (my name is not John). "Please send me your advertising rates"

A simple request. The only problem is that we have never carried advertising. I emailed him back:

"Dear ***, Thanks for your enquiry, but I am afraid that we do not carry advertising within our website"

Message returns:

"Dear John" (Doh!) "Yes, I would like to advertise on your web site - please let me know how much it will cost."

I replied in much the same vein as before i.e. We do not carry advertising. We will never carry advertising. We have never carried advertising. There are no rates. Go

away.

Message returns:

"Dear John" (I'm getting tired of being called John). "I would like to renew the advertising that I had with you a while back. How much does it cost now?"

By now I'm getting a little pissed. I reply.

"Dear ***, As I have stated repeatedly, we have never carried advertising within our website. You cannot therefore renew advertising that we have never carried. In the

unlikely event that we should start to carry advertising in the future then you will be the first to know, but don't hold your breath. In the meantime, I would appreciate

it if you would stop sending me requests for our advertising rates. We don't have any. Furthermore, my name is _not_ John (as you may see by reading the sig at the

bottom of every message I have sent)."

Message returns yesterday:

"Dear John" (AAAAAAARGH!). "I enclose my copy for the advertising......."

My reply:

(Several hundred swear words deleted.)

"Dear ***, as you obviously do not understand plain English, try this for size. CONSIDER YOURSELF KILLFILED.

Actually I didn't send that reply - I just wish I had. He has, however, been added to my bozo list. I wonder if the schlemeil is gonna be visiting the web site daily,

looking for his advertising.......

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and

somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet

and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the

way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a

small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the

time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for

dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the

telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still

affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg

and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around

her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the

other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her

napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for

taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve

dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and

everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The

third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless

spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the

same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it

out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a

woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and

farted. Then the building blew up.

No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are roughly 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this

does not rule out flying reindeer - though Santa and my uncle Ralph, in his drinking days, are the only people who've ever seen one.

There are two billion children (small people under the age of 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle most non-Christian children, that reduces

the workload to about 15 per cent of the total (roughly 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau). At a rate of say, 3.5 children per household, that's

91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good kid in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. That's 822.6 visits

per second. For each eligible household, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, put presents under the tree, eat

any snacks, kiss mommy when available, get back up the chimney, hop in the sleigh and move on.

Assuming each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, we're now talking about 0.78 miles per household - a total trip of 75.5 million

miles, not counting stops to let Santa and the reindeer do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours.

This means Santa's sleigh moves at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. The fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a

poky 27.4 miles a second (a conventional reindeer, by the way, can run 15 miles per hour, tops).

Assuming each child gets nothing more that a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting overweight Santa. Conventional

reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases

the payload (not counting the sleigh) to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles a second creates enormous air resistance, which would heat the reindeer to incandescence in the same fashion as spacecraft or

meteors entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame

almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 gravities. A 250-pound Santa (a wee bit of an underestimate) would be pinned to the back of

his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

The Internet originator's conclusion to the above: "If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now."

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing

powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you." The old

woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the

television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."