A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole, a par three, when he notices a frog
sitting near the second tee. He thinks nothing of it and is about
to strike the ball when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
6 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches
from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must
be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of
the day, the man golfed the best round of golf of his life and asks
the frog, "Okay, where to next?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay, frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. ROULETTE."

Upon approaching the ROULETTE table, the man asks, "What do you
think I should bet?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit. $3000. Black 6." Now, this is a
35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures
what the heck. Boom! Black 6 hits, and he makes $105,000.
Tons of chips comes sliding back across the table. The man takes
his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replied, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Two elderly ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus.
It started to rain, so one lady reached into her purse, took out a
condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it
that you put over your cigarette?"

The first old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend that she could
purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two ladies arrived
downtown, the lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy
and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacists said
he did, but was a little surprised that this elderly woman was
interested in condoms, so he asked her,

"What size do you want?"

The lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the
class to go home, think of a story, then reach a conclusion as
to the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to
tell their story. Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a
farm and every Sunday we loaded the chicken eggs on the truck and
drove into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we
hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto
the road."

The teacher asks Suzy what the moral of her story was.

Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next was little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher once again asks what the moral of her story was.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Next was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War,
and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out
before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a
machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately,
he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers."

"He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked in shock at Billy and asked if there is any
possibility of a moral to his story.

Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very
large gorilla, the gorilla goes bonkers. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his
chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty
lady in the wavy, pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife
tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips,
wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla
gets even more excited, making noises that could wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall,
she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the
gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open
the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

A man was passing through a small southern town where there was a
nativity scene on exhibit that showed great skill and talent had
gone into creating it. One small feature bothered the man though.
The three wise men were all wearing fireman's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the man
left. At the "Quik Stop" at the edge of town, the man asked the
lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a
rage, yelling at the man, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

The man assured the lady that he read the Bible regularly but
simply could not recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages and finally jabbed her finger on the passage.
Sticking it into the man's face she said, "See, it says right
here, "The three wise men came from afar.""

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their
lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away
from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad
could you be?"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...
like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The
bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood
and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a
phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
cellular."

The bartender says, "Yeah? Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have
believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife,
you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender
directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into
the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagled against the wall.
His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his
butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm fine...I'm just waiting
for a fax."

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they
came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to
sleep.

There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on
the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said,
"Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the
sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping
bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started
to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm
still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put
another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.
We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what
happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun purred, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled back, "Get up and get your own stupid
blanket!"

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.
The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds
up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he
will explode."

"Oh, I see," says the intern, wincing.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying
on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor, "What is up with THAT??"

The doctor says: "Same condition, better medical plan."

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married
for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago, too."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!!"