A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All you sons of
bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is
the last stop! And, all you sons of bitches who are retuning and
want to get on, get your asses on the train now cause we're going
down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and
play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank
you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off
about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

When God made the human, all of the different parts wanted to
be the Don.

The brain said "Since I do all the thinking, I must the be most
important and I should be the Don."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know
where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be the Don."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything
up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be the
Don."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest
of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I
should be the Don."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere.
So I'm the most important and I should be the Don."

Then the rectum spoke up. "I think I should be the Don."

All the rest of the parts of the body laughed and laughed and
said "YOU?! You don't do anything! You're not important!
You can't be in charge. You'll never be the Don."

So the rectum got angry and closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach tightened
up, the hands were all shaky, the eyes got all foggy and watery,
and the brain couldn't think.

They all gave in because they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to make the rectum Don.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the brain to be Don, just an asshole.

Three men had a very late night out drinking scotch whiskey.

They left in the early morning hours and went home separately.

They met for lunch next day, and compared notes about
who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claimed that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove
straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through
the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I
got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car
around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got
home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and
burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a
moment.

Then the first guy said: "Guys, I don't think you understand.
Chunks is my dog."

A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in, he notices
a huge black dude standing next him. The big black dude looks
down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small
white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him,
and asks the small white guy "What's wrong? You alright?"

The small white guy comes to and says, "Excuse me, but what
did you say?"

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said,
"Turn around.""

Three guys found themselves in Hell. Let's call them Jerry, Kenny,
and Larry. They were a little confused at their present situation,
and were startled to see a door in the wall open. Behind the
door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was
3'4", dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil boomed out, "Jerry, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!" And Jerry was whisked through the door by a group of
lesser demons to his eternal torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall,
monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard again, louder than before,
"Kenny, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And Greg, like Jerry, was whisked
off, screaming and scratching, to his doom.

Larry, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the
worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open,
he strained to see the figure of...Cindy Crawford! Delighted,
Larry jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman,
barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of
the Devil booming: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his
hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's
got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs
to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs, too!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his
socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria
saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother, "this is a job
for Mama!"

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to
forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that
this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to
turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.

So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it
useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly
couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's
office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to
the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you
write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it.
You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.
Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget,"
said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband.
"No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped
cream."

And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making
some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream,
strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen
about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of
bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband
and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can
answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde
the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth
of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,
tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third
blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the
eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown
of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.
He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."

Bob rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his
name on the mailbox. While he's there, an attractive young lady
wearing a robe comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes.
Bob smiles at her and she strikes up a conversation with him. As
they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing on underneath. Poor Bob breaks out into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He follows her into the apartment and after she closes the door
she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.
She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bob stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are
full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm and
has no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars.
Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of
my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bob stammers: "Outside when you
said you heard someone coming . . . . that was me!!"

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments,
a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their
marriage was to try professional counseling. They had been at
each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their
last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped
right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be
the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything
to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After five, ten,
fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over
to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately
for several minutes, and sat her back down.

After that, the wife sat there - speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at
what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least
twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "Okay, I can have her
here by three o'clock on Tuesdays and Thursdays."