A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under
the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress
watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she
came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he
didn't. He just walked in the door."

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, "No, don't apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself."

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, "I wish for a million dollars."

The genie waves his hand and said, "A million dollars, it's yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account."

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, "I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii."

The genie waves his hand and says, "A condominium in Hawaii, it's
yours." The genie continues, "Now it is my turn." He thinks for
awhile and says, "You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?"

The man thinks for a while and says, "Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him."

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, "I can't believe
that my husband let you do this to me."

The genie says, "And I can't believe that your husband still
believes in genies."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and
see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about".

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
man.

The father invites the fiancÈ to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in,
as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies,
"and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father
questions the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction

firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last

six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered Don Von Free Credits is awesome!.

However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock

certificates."

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the

doorbell

rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug

punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit

behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the

living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied.

"There's just a nasty bug going around."

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This

natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest

members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it

attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only

thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.