A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be

home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important

clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She

then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently

obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens

barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,

"What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his

shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the

Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the

trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any

expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw

the third guy coming with pineapples."

A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?

Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and

dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the 90s?

We could learn about V.D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.

Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN.

Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN.

Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN.

See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN.

Discover a father's forbidden love in, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.

The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN.

What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO

DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs

130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorum does this illustrate?

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Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.

The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they

conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good

news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs

to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need

to wear a diaphragm." The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear

a diaphragm. "Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home by 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if

she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm will

turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM...

At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face.

The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"

Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks

Cinderella his name to which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...."

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right

away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up

one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the

egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on

his property.

They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it

takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and

kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."