A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom,
who lived three hours away.

"Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?"

"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time," said
the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really
horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really
horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me...PLEASE."
Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mom come get
me!" begged the bride.

"But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell
me what's troubling you," said her mom.

Still sobbing the bride said to her mother..."Words like....DUST,
IRON, COOK, WASH!"

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when
he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the
floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor asked Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looked up and noticed
Patient #2's face is all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, don't you think
you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in
the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a male voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open
the door.

"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with
three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went
out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun,
making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.

Another Saturday night came around. About 7 p.m., there was a
knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,

"Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm taking her to the show.
Is she ready to go?" The farmer thought he was a clever boy and
wished them a good time.

A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy
appeared and said,

"Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. I'm taking her for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready." He thought that he must know Joe, but bade
them off as well with his best wishes.

A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.

"Hi, I'm Chuck..." The farmer shot him.

Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks "Have you got the time?"

Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Lester brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out,"
and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone
in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says
"The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Lester continues "I've put in regional accents for each city."

The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

"That's not all," says Lester. He pushes a few more buttons and a
tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the
display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning," explains Lester. "View recede ten," he says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York State.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to
demonstrate that the watch is also a very credible little FM radio
receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure
distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout
and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings
of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
favorites in there so far," says the proud inventor.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.

Lester stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.
$15,000. Take it or leave it."

Lester abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off
the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily
away.

"Hey, wait a minute," Lester points to the two huge suitcases he'd
been trying to wrestle through the bus station, "Don't forget your
batteries."

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her
weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see
you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had
to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate
and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told,
they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.

The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening.
"You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone
how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not,
you go to Hell."

"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I'd been suspecting my wife
of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and
catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying
naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the
man but couldn't find him.

Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment
building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging
off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go,
so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into
the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the
refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the
strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

"Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..."

The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven
being full and the man would have to tell his story.

"Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an
apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony.
Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing
of the balcony below me."

"Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my
hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he
came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally
fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved
my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his
refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me.
And now I'm here."

"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..."

The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about
Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how
he died.

"Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was
hiding naked inside this refrigerator..."

An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boilerman and
he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely
hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable.
When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting
in his room smiling.

"You like this?" Satan asked.

"Yes, sir," said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me."

Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the
heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new
arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn't even
broken a sweat.

"I like this kind of weather," he told Satan.

For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more,
but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever.
By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than
turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the
air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor's room! When he
checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but
he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever.

Satan was exasperated! "Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from
the sailor. "It's FREEZING in here!"

"Well, I'm from Boston," said the sailor, "and evidently the
Red Sox just won the World Series!"

One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden,
Adam called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replied.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful
animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Oh, and why is that, Adam?" came the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all the beautiful animals, but I'm lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'Woman' for you."

"What's a 'Woman', Lord?"

"This 'Woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you
want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know
your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival
that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for
your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you," replied the heavenly voice.

"Wow, she sounds great, Lord."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'Woman' cost me Lord?" Adam inquired.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear,
and your left testicle."

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, "Ehhh, what can I
get for a rib?"

And that's how modern woman was created.

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose
Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado
comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing
down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance,
where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they're
in the land of Oz.

"Oh, boy!" says Qualye. "I'm going to go see the Wizard and
ask him for a brain!"

"Yeah!" says Gingrich. "And I'm going to ask him for a heart!"

"Hey!" says Clinton, looking around. "Where's Dorothy?"