An inquisitive young boy is talking to his mother.

"Mommy, how old are you?"

"Oh, that's quite personal, son, and besides it's not polite to
ask a woman her age."

"Ok, mommy, then tell me, um, how much do you weigh?"

"Well, I can't tell you that either, a woman's weight is a secret."

The boy was getting a bit frustrated by now. "If you can't tell
me that, can you tell me why you and Daddy split up?"

"Someday I'll explain it to you but it's all quite complicated
and I don't think you'd understand."

The boy wandered off unfulfilled but kept all of this in the back
of his mind. The next day in school, he was talking to one of his
school chums and was told to look at his mom's driver's license.
That would have all of his answers.

So very early the next morning he snuck into her wallet and looked
at her driver's license. When she awoke, he said, "I know how old
you are!"

She said, "You do? How old am I?"

"You're 31. And I know how much you weigh, too!"

"Oh," she said, getting curious, "how much is that?"

"You weigh 126. And I even know why Daddy left!"

She was really curious now. "Why was that, son?"

"It's because you got an F in sex!"

The Don of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the Don asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the Don, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the Don asked, "Is your mommy
there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the Don decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the Don asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
Don asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he is busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the Don.

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the Don asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the Don, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the Don
asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!"

A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare.
He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside
a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up
to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, may I look at your horth?"

"Sure," says the farmer, "come on in."

The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to
the farmer, "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to thee her eyeth."

The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the
mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like
thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."

Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, this time asking the
farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears. He exclaims,
"Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth,
I think I want to buy thith horth."

The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this time because the
dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and
says, "Her twat. Her twat, I want to thee her twat!"

The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head
first into the mare's backside. He leaves with the dwarf's little
legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple
of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his
predicament: SCHLOOOOP!

The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase
that....I'd like to thee her gallop!"

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he
was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys one condom, then walks out of the
store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird,
but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying
condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about
buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever
comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laughing customer is back. He buys
the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between
irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the
phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"There's no one named Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for
Alf a second time.

"No -- there's no one here named Alf. You have the wrong number.
If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of
conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample of your sperm tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still
nothing.

"Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with
both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we just
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older,
he was increasingly hampered by excruciatingly painful headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he
sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to
another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The
good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is
that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition
which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your
spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only
way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed
wondered if he even had anything to live for after castration.
Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under
the knife; his headaches just had to cease.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but
naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different
person.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new
suit. Maybe that will cheer me up!"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "Yeah, that's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit,
and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Okay, sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, and...
16 neck."

Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right.
How did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman, very matter of factly.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9...wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right again...how did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes
and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"So, how about a new hat?"

Without hesitation, Joe said, "Yeah, go for it."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, I'd say 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of
this?"

"It's my job to know," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"

Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No, no, you can't wear a size 34.
It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache!"

Once there was a woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden,
but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired about his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained, "Twice each
day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front
of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and
proceeded to expose herself to her tomato plants, twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her
progress."So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my
cucumbers!!"

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. "You know, we could MAKE A LOT OF MONEY running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their
money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,
insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and began to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work. Once they
complete the tower, and announcement is made in Spanish and
the first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls
again, bounces, and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses
him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time,
he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones
and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches
him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell
is a pinata?"