A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the
octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that
this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play
any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an
idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has
an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just
rippin' it up. So the man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down
with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to
screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them
is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man, that's interesting. And I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our
cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and become
friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign
from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."

So she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle,
then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

The man takes the bottle and asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor,
"We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch
and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find
someone else."

The couple said, "No, no, we trust you."

After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to
be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't
give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After
they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't
having any trouble at all. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my
house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her
husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't
afford that. But you only charge $35, and medicare pays half of
that."

Three mice were sitting in a bar drinking shots of whiskey and
talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for
fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me,
I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times."
And with that he slams down another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
those Decon poison tablets, cut them up and snort them just for
the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse
and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "Can't hang around with you
wimps. I'm going home to screw the cat."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a
board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the
grandfather comes back out with a big smile and hands the little
boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his
way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

This went on all day long as he was well-known and well-liked
throughout his beat.

He was nearly at the last house when he was met at the door by a
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him
by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed
behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever
experienced.

The next morning, he went downstairs, where she fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar bill for?"

"Well," she said, "a couple of days ago, I told my husband that yesterday
would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you."

"He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid." answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just
figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you
like to make $50,000?"

"Sure, what do I have to do?"

"Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot
that unfaithful witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed
by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the
bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh...is this 555-4821?"

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent
man in a bar.

So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a
mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and
sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're
loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I
lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company.
You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I
know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A boy and his father visiting from a small country village in
Latvia were at a large multi-story shopping mall in America.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into
a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles lit up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old
woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Quick! Go get your mother."

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible
storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to
crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims,
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an
animal, strapped to a chair. If I am going to die, let me die
feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me
feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to
walk up to her seat. As he approachs her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the
plane.

He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her,
"I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you
interested?"

She shakes her head yes.

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here, iron this."