Funnest Joke you ever Heard.

Daxx
by Daxx · 10 posts
11 years ago in Off Topic
Posted 11 years ago · Author
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch. When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Posted 11 years ago
A MAFIA ATTORNEY

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
...that you don't have the guts and balls to pull the trigger.

-+-+-+-

Q: What do working for the Mafia and fingering a woman have in common?
A: One wrong move and you're in the sh*t.
Posted 10 years ago
ahahahahahaha, omy that really is the funniest joke I have heard in a long time...love it, may I steal it for the IMVU pulse?
Posted 10 years ago
Becki.Btts wrote:
ahahahahahaha, omy that really is the funniest joke I have heard in a long time...love it, may I plunder it for the IMVU pulse?


Sure thing! Help yourself, if you're referring to my post.

Off-topic, I was wondering why a homonym for "steel" was substituted with the word "plunder." I was about to post a funny quote on a different thread; when previewed, it appeared as, "Don't plunder. IMVU hates competition." :)
Posted 7 years ago
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes -£50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign
pertains to religion."
The following day the same police officer noticed the
same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He
figured he
had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen
Angels
Seeking Peter -- £50.00

-- Mon Feb 06, 2017 5:24 am --

To whoever is reading this,
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat till you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point where you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And when I am finished with you, you will be weak for days.
All my love the flu :)

Now get your mind dirty mind off sex!
Posted 7 years ago
Lmao that one gave me a good laugh, great joke @Kari :dancingbunny:
Posted 7 years ago
dam that was funny af lol haha I had rough weeknd but that made my day
Posted 7 years ago
Elie wrote:
Lmao that one gave me a good laugh, great joke @Kari


Thank you, glad you enjoyed it! :dancingbannana:


Z0RO wrote:
dam that was funny af lol haha I had rough weeknd but that made my day


Happy could bring you some laughter! :rockout:
Posted 7 years ago
A guy's walking along the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs.
He walks up to her...on his own, obviously she couldn't wave him over...and she says, "I've never been kissed. Can you kiss me?"
He says to himself, "What the hell?" and kisses her.
She says, "I've never been fingered, Could you please finger me?"
He sneaks his finger around the lip of her bathing suit and sticks it in her very greasy un-used hole.
She says, "I've never been fucked."
He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says, "You're fucked now."
Posted 7 years ago
epic joke
son :mom can i borrow 30$
mom:no you think money grows from tree
son: what is money made out of?
mom : paper
son :where does paper from
mom:....

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